I had been meaning to see a medical professional about my anxiety for almost a year. But, life always got in the way. You know the feeling, I’m sure. There’s too much going on at work or you meant to call but then one of your kids got sick. Everyone else is more important. Until you neglect your health so much that you’re down for the count and can’t take care of them. Then you realize you have to get healthy for everyone else. You have to become selfish which then causes a lot of guilt for those of us with anxiety.

I finally ended up at the doctor’s office when I had a panic attack at work. The doctors offered counseling and medication. I said I wanted to try counseling first and hold off on medication. Then I had two more anxiety attacks within the next few weeks and I decided I was desperate to feel better and I would try the medication.

I have since been removed of all my responsibilities at work which made the depression even worse. But, the medication has started to kick in and I can at least get through the day without being on the brink of tears. I have a lot of mixed feelings which I can’t properly express about being on Zoloft. I don’t even drink coffee. I used to pride myself in not needing any help to get through the day. Oh, how things have changed.

I am transitioning out of a job and we just recently moved. My husband just got done with an 18 month project outside of his day job that left me at home multiple nights a week and a lot of weekends. I have two toddlers and I work full time and I just came to my breaking point.

When I go to work now, I shut my office door from the moment I get there. I only leave to use the bathroom or go to lunch or maybe run and talk to someone if absolutely necessary. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone except for my husband and some very close family.

I don’t have friends. When would I make them? And, I’m not outgoing or the type to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

I haven’t worked out in over a month even though my job requires me to and I know it would make me feel better. I am interested in starting yoga and I don’t know why I haven’t. I’ve started to do monthly massages which is nice but costs money. I don’t eat especially well and I am terrible at drinking water.

This post is literally me writing all of my thoughts down and hoping that someone has some advice for how I can improve myself. I’d love to hear about struggles you have so I don’t feel alone or crazy. Do you take medication? Does it help? What are you doing to get yourself in a place where you can handle being off of it? What things do you do to relax?

My mind wanders. Uncontrollably. Like Alice in Wonderland. It’s always chaos.

I try to do the breathing exercises. I get moments of relief. But, the next second I lose focus, my brain takes off. It’s like a bar of soap in the bathtub. I try so hard to take hold but it always slips out of my control.

Overthinking is my autopilot. I don’t notice I’m lost in my head. When I snap out of it sometimes I don’t realize how long it’s been. I end up at my destination after a drive or smell the chicken cooking with no memory of what I was just doing.

I feel like a zombie. I am not present. My body is a shell while my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of what could be, of what I need to do.

Sometimes I make lists of what I need to get done to try and take the burden off my mind. But, it only thinks about something else.

And then comes the worry. The nail biting, the lip biting, the never ending shaking legs, that weight in my chest that won’t leave, the feeling that I’m forgetting to do something.

I try very hard to maintain focus. For a second, for a minute, but before I know it I’m suffocating from the thoughts of some imaginary future.